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No Fooling: 10 Beer Products We Wish Were a Joke

No Fooling: 10 Beer Products We Wish Were a Joke


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April Fools’ Day joke? We wish. Blurring the lines between ridiculous and mad genius, depending on your point of view, these 10 products are real, available for you to buy to satisfy all your beer-related needs.

1. Beer Spa Day at Vail
After a hard day on the slopes, Level 4 Beer Enthusiasts will relax with a beer in hand, but that’s amateur hour. As a Level 8 Beer Enthusiast, you relax with a hand in beer. The spa at Vail’s Four Seasons resort is offering a 'Brew and Renew' rejuvenation package, a craft brew-centric day aimed at attracting more men. Exfoliate with barley husks, dip your toes in the Amber Ale foot soak, and let the tension melt away with a stout scalp treatment.

2. Beer Soap
Can’t afford slope-side brew pampering at Vail? No problem. You can still enjoy all the scientific (ableit questionable) benefits of dermally applied beer in the comfort of your own bathtub. Choose your brew-scent of choice — are you more in a "Draft Beer Soap Made with Guinness" mood or a "Black Pepper and Lime Beer Soap Made with Corona" kind of mood? We’re leaning towards the latter. It is almost summertime, after all.

3. The Beer Belly
Who pays $8.50 for 16 ounces of domestic swill at stadiums anymore? Chumps who failed to purchase a Beer Belly, that’s who. Sure, you give up some of your svelte physique, but this bladder-o’-beer cleverly disguised as blubber will help you sip discretely on your favorite beverage just about anywhere. Anywhere. Don’t want to add the appearance of belly-weight, ladies? Check out sister product The Wine Rack.

4. Beer Dispensing Backpack
Like the idea of a portable dispensary but favor comfort over discretion? Then forego the Beer Belly and strap on the Beer Backpack. Holding up to 3 liters (roughly 100 ounces) of liquid, this ergonomic porta-bar is sure to make you the most popular guest at your next wedding, bar mitzvah, or corporate event.

5. Bongzilla
No question, when the beer bong comes out, this party’s going to 11! While the beer bong has long been the poster child of off-the-hook-edness, however, it really is a tool for the individual, not the party masses. Well, humanity’s smartest engineers have finally developed the solution: the Bongzilla. This ingenious design allows up to 6 partygoers to have fermented fun force fed down their gullets at the same time. Brilliant.

6. iBeer App
This inexplicably popular app allows you to have a virtual drinking experience with your iPhone. The free version is painfully ad heavy, so if you have a situation where pretending to drink a beer would be a handy app to have (like _________?), don’t be a cheapskate. Pay the 99 cents. With the full version you get not only the basic lager, you also get stouts, ambers and sodas for hours of fake drinking fun.

7. Beirstick
This invention solves two problems for humanity. First, for those who do not have the time to wait for gravity-fed beer bongs to empty, this syringe design will get your buzz on faster by simply forcing it into you. Secondly, have you ever tried to use a beer bong when you are home alone? It’s like licking your elbow. Impossible. Now you can load up your Beirstick, find the closest wall, press, and pray it stays down. Or if you do happen to have a friend over, try it like the photo!

8. The Cooler Scoop
Are you tired of having your hands cut off by coolers? And the inevitable heart attacks that come from fetching beer? Then call KL5-3226 and order yourself a Cooler Scoop! Why do a thing with your hands when you can do a thing with a thing your hands are holding?

9. Canouflage
There is a whole industry of products aimed at getting alcohol into places it is not supposed to be. None, perhaps, are doing it more half-assedly than Canouflage. Dang! Security’s checking bags for beers. Good thing I have Canouflage! That Security Guard will never pick up this can of unrecognizable ‘Bubbly Seltzer Water’ for a closer inspection! Fooled ’em again, Canouflage!

10. Shotgun Champ
Many simple tasks are made exponentially more difficult when drinking is involved. Take shotgunning a beer, for example. When you are sober, puncturing an aluminum can with a pen is child’s play. When you are drunk, it is downright dangerous. But what — you’re only supposed to shotgun beers when sober? No way. Use the Shotgun Champ and "wasted beer and injuries from sharp objects will be a thing of the past!"

— Brandon M. Gallagher Watson, The Drink Nation

More from The Drink Nation:

Heavy Metal Booze: 5 Hard Rockers Who Make Easy Drinks
Official Easter Cocktail: Zombie Peep Corpse Reviver
No Fooling: 10 Beer Products We Wish Were a Joke


Angel City brews Mexican cola beer -- no fooling

The downtown arts district brewery Angel City held a contest last November that asked fans to submit ideas for the dream beer that they’d brew if they were in charge of the brew house, and the winning “What Would You Brew?” beer is now available in the taproom.

Home brewer Emily Finch’s winning entry is an attempt to translate one of L.A.’s signature beverages -- those ubiquitous bottles of a particular Mexican cola -- into craft beer form, and Angel City brew master Dieter Foerstner immediately got excited about tackling the challenge when he saw Finch’s idea among the entries.

Mexican Cola Beer. It might sound like an April Fools’ joke, but it is very real, and it’s surprisingly tasty. The color is spot-on cola-brown, and although the aroma is a bit off-putting at first, the Mexican Cola beer’s flavor is eerily close to that of a frosty bottle of the real thing.

Foerstner used such ingredients as roasted malts, citrus peel and tamarind for the color and depth of flavor that the imaginative brew required, and a small amount of real cola was used as an adjunct during fermentation.

Foerstner says he feared the results would be like the “diesels” -- a mix of Coke and Pilsner beer -- that he learned to loathe in Germany, but the finished beer is remarkably drinkable.

The Mexican Cola brew is just the latest crazy concoction brewed at Angel City Brewery. It follows the infamous French Sip -- the au jus beer inspired by L.A.’s feuding restaurants that each claims to have originated the French dip sandwich -- an avocado kolsch that may be rebrewed for this year’s Avocado Festival at the brewery, and a pickle brine-laced Berliner weisse.

A portion of the Mexican Cola beer was also diverted into the brewery’s young barrel-aging program to fill -- what else -- rum barrels. The rum-and-wood infused version will be ready, hopefully, for L.A. Beer Week in September.

The brewery isn’t all experimental one-offs though, and two new, more straightforward, Angel City Brewery beers are hitting shelves. In addition to six-packs of the Gold Line Pilsner, the brewery’s light and hoppy Summer West Coast Wheat ale is also being bottled. The taproom has also finally opened the mezzanine level of their expansive, and very popular, space that hosts a multitude of events, live music and art shows.

Mexican Cola is available for a (very) limited time at the Angel City Brewery Public House at 216 S. Alameda St.


Support the independent voice of Dallas and help keep the future of Dallas Observer free.

If anything should be canceled in 2021, it&rsquos April Fools Day. The last 13 months have held far too many tricks to find more of them funny. We haven&rsquot lost our sense of humor, but here are a few very real things we wish were jokes.

The parking situation in the Bishop Arts District. There are a few tricky ways around it, but for the most part, it will make you cry.

There&rsquos a peanut butter sandwich on the menu at Norma&rsquos Cafe that costs $29.99. That's not a joke, but there are so many good things to order at Norma&rsquos, you can probably just skip it and save yourself the penalty price. (Kinda like ranch dressing at Cane Rosso back in the day.) Norma&rsquos tells us the peanut butter is flown in from Alaska where unicorns grind the peanuts with their hooves. If you absolutely must order one, you can save a few dollars on April 2, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, when the price will be slashed to just $25 for one day only. Again, this is not a joke.

Is it a joke that signs at Phil Romano-owned places are in your face about freedom when the race to reach herd immunity through vaccination is pitted against new variants taking hold? It&rsquos not the first time Romano&rsquos wit has been less than appreciated. But being too repulsed or disappointed to go to Eatzi&rsquos (or any place in Trinity Groves) ever again is no joke.

EXPAND

At least 10 more Nashville hot chicken restaurants will open in the next six months. OK, that might be an exaggeration, but it&rsquos definitely not a joke. Chicken sandwiches are hot, hot, hot right now.

People on the Dallas subreddit (r/dallas) who recommend Dickey&rsquos Barbecue when visitors ask where they should eat in the city. I wish I was joking when I say the insider trick played on unsuspecting tourists and city newbies will probably never die.

A 4-pound, 18-inch taco at Vidorra and drive-thru tacos at 7-Eleven.

A couple of weeks ago, we got the news that 20 Feet Seafood Joint has closed permanently, and boy do we wish that was a joke. Bye-bye lobster rolls, herb garlic fries, ramen, homemade pie and feeling cool because you knew the real reason 20 feet was part of its name. What we wouldn&rsquot give for Marc Cassel and Suzan Fries to pop out and say, &ldquojust kidding.&rdquo

We wish it was a joke that there&rsquos no talk yet of a replacement restaurant for the place in Dallas where you could get higher than anywhere else in the city: Five Sixty at the top of Reunion Tower. We think it would be cool if it opened as a food hall, so you could walk around in a circle visiting pop-ups and stalls while the building revolved in the opposite direction. CBD-enhanced food might make the buzz even better. Anybody listening?

While we're grateful restaurants stepped up in a crisis, as they so often do, it&rsquos also sad that restaurants had to act as warming stations when people were without power for days during the winter storm. Restaurants really didn&rsquot need one more thing to make the last year feel like a nightmare.

On the bright side, Taco Cabana won&rsquot stop with the crazy marg flavors, and they&rsquore not playing around. Last summer, they launched 12 flavors including Dr Pepper and a special Star-Spangled Banner flavor that was a blend of lime, strawberry, and blue Curacao. In the fall, there was pumpkin spice, and there was a candy cane margarita for Christmas. The company&rsquos April Fool&rsquos joke about a pickle flavor came to life after customers demanded it. That&rsquos right, now you can get a pickle flavor margarita at Taco Cabana. I guess for two bucks we&rsquoll drink anything.

Keep the Dallas Observer Free. Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.


Prank Pack: Fake/gag/joke empty gift boxes by Prank-O

Are you wondering how to give a present? Need to break the ice around in-laws at holiday gatherings? Make it funny with Prank Pack! Good for making birthday parties even happier. Lighten up weddings and family Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa gatherings. Even works for housewarming gifts.

Punk your wife/husband/partner on your anniversary with this gift wrap, but put the real present inside for 2x the fun.

If you like to joke and make people laugh, you'll love Prank Pack. Get one of each style.

&hearts Box dimensions: 11.25 x 3.25 x 9 inches
&hearts The qty 1 price is for one box. "Pack" means what you pack inside the box, not that this is a pack of boxes.
&hearts Looking for that quantity discount? It only applies for multiple quantities of the same style.
&hearts Made in the USA out of American cardboard and ink

Beer Beard

Fool your beer-drinking friend with the Beer Beard. They'll always be undercover and over-hydrated.

Blankeez

Imagine the look in their eyes upon receiving this box that describes a super blanket that can cover up to 8 people.

Excite the gadget geek with the iArm, which can carry up to 3 of their favorite gadgets at once - at least that's what the prank pack says.

Pet Petter

POOF: CURRENTLY OUT OF STOCK.

Perfect for playing that prank on the pet lover. An automatic petting device, the Pet Petter is suitable for all fur lengths. Look, it even has de-flea pads and a rechargeable battery.

Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock

Know someone whose hobbies include sleeping, cooking or both? The Dream Griddle is the perfect gag gift for them.

Bathe & Brew

A multi-tasker's dream, the Bathe & Brew shower coffee maker can brew up to twelve cups of excellent tasting coffee, while you're showering - in the shower The Bathe & Brew has a handy water level indicator, a removable filter basket, a power indicator light, a smooth exterior which wipes clean with a damp cloth and any body wash.

IDrive

The iDrive is a new way of staying connected to the world through the devices you love - all while operating your favorite vehicles Shoot killer robots on your way to work, enjoy a good book during a leisurely motorcycle ride, or surf the net while mountain biking. You rule the road with iDrive.

Toe Tunes

POOF: CURRENTLY OUT OF STOCK.

Fed up with headphones that cover your ears? Tired of wires bumping against your body and head? ToeTunes is your solution.

Extreme Chores

POOF: CURRENTLY OUT OF STOCK.

The video game that will not be on any child's wish list. Extreme Chores include raking, shoveling, litter box games and more!

GameMaxx

POOF: CURRENTLY OUT OF STOCK.

This mega-sized hydrating game controller works with any video game! It has a fan, misters and a tube that dispenses your favourite beverage.

Connect-A-Cord

POOF: CURRENTLY OUT OF STOCK.

Build a power cord of the perfect length every time! Includes a set 50 one foot power cords.

Nap Sack

The Nap Sack Sleep Hood let you take a nap, anywhere. anytime!

Sizzl

Dryer sheets of bacon, to take the breakfast fresh scent with you all day, everyday.

Turn & Churn

POOF: CURRENTLY OUT OF STOCK.

It produces "wheel fresh ice cream" and it comes with Henri's book with road friendly recipes.

Earwax Candle Kit

Your ear is a gold mine of free, usable wax.
Make your own earwax candles. You'll have the most organic and cost-effective candle on the market. Our patented MAXWAX Extraction Pump & Cap fits snugly and comfortably so you can effortlessly harvest 6 to 10 ounces of ear wax. All while you sleep! That&rsquos nearly four pounds per week!

Roto Wipe

Roto Wipe is the quick-n-easy alternative to toilet paper. Not as soft as Charmin or Bounty, but much softer than sandpaper. Comes with a 5 year or 10,000 flush warranty depending on which comes first.

Pet Butler

Presenting the perfect fake gift box for the pet lovers in your life. With Pet Butler, you can recruit all the four-legged ones into good, free help. Dogs, gerbils, hamsters, cats, even rabbits. If you've got a pet, with the special, included DVD, your pet can probably be trained as a butler. "Rover, bring my drink!" "Felix, I'm in need of my ashtray!"


Deer Jokes

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something . but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, "What are you up to?"

Mary smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"'

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.
The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."
Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q: How do you save a deer during hunting season?
A: You hang on for deer life.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye-deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
A: Still no fucking eye-deer.

Q: What did the doe say to the 24 point buck?
A: Boy your Horny!

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

Q: What did the deer tell the hunter?
A: Buck Off!

Q: Why did the hunter miss his mark?
A: He was not aiming deerectly for it.

Q: What do you call four female deer?
A: FO REAL DOE

Q: What kind of deer is the god or goddess of weather?
A: A rain deer

Q: What did the female Deer say to her Mate when he wanted a Three-way?
A: It Might be a Buck more, but I wouldn't buy that for a dollar.

Q: Who did Bambi invite to his birthday party?
A: His nearest and deer-est friends.

Q: What's the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
A: One is a dollar fifty and the other is just under a buck.

Q: What do deers call hunters?
A: Doe foes.

Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

Q: Whats the cheapist kind of meat?
A: Deer balls there under a buck!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay,
the skunk didn't have a scent,
the deer didn't have a buck,
so they put the meal on the duck's bill.


Our No Sugar Challenge Rules

For our no sugar challenge, we decided to remove the following culprits from our diet:

  • Processed sugars (White, brown, coconut, etc.)
  • Other natural sweeteners (agave, maple syrup, honey, etc.)
  • Sugar substitutes (stevia, xylitol, monkfruit, etc.)
  • Dried fruits and dates (mango, raisins, apricots, etc.)
  • Fruit juices (apple juice, orange juice, grape juice, etc.)
  • Wine and beer

However, we did allow the following during our no sugar challenge:

  • Fresh fruit (apples, oranges, berries, bananas, etc.)
  • Sugar-free hard alcohols (vodka, tequila, gin, etc.)

Why this list? My primary goal was to eliminate the negative mental and physical side effects of added sugars. But we also wanted to eliminate the psychological reliance on other super-concentrated and processed sweeteners. For that reason, we went so far as to also avoid honey, stevia, dried fruits, and fruit juices.

Alternatively, because fresh fruit comes in its natural unprocessed state and is full of fiber to counterbalance its natural sugars, we kept this one as okay for our purposes.

Our No Sugar Challenge Results

After thirty days of the no sugar challenge, here were our results…

Vanessa

Interestingly, Vanessa actually gained two pounds and also two percent body fat during this challenge. (Perhaps due to more lax compliance, but more on that later…) Still, the decrease in her waist is noticeable in these photos. Measurements revealed she lost two inches from her midsection. “I definitely had extra room in my pants by the end of the month,” Vanessa confirms.

In thirty days I lost 2.8 pounds and decreased my overall body fat by 3.6%. Shockingly, my waist decreased by three full inches. (For context, that’s better than the results I saw doing Whole30! And I didn’t even have to give up grains and legumes this time. Hallelujah.) More importantly, I felt the mental health benefits I was looking for. By the end of the month, I felt empowered in my food choices, stable in my energy and mood, and even more productive in my work days.


What Is The Spoon With A Hole For?

According to one of my trusted sources on all things French, David Lebovitz, you know your fondue is melted to perfection and ready for dunking when it forms a film across the hole in the center of the spoon.

Now, I&rsquove had a spoon with a hole in it for years, and always wondered what its purpose was.

As soon as I read that statement from David, I went to find our holy spoon, only to realize we probably donated it while purging some stuff during the last move. Thankfully, Tim&rsquos brother gave us a really nice set of bamboo cooking utensils for Christmas, and lo and behold, there was a holy spoon in the set.

I don&rsquot think I&rsquove ever been so glad to see a holy spoon in my life.

What can I say. Fondue can make you do crazy things.


Announcement

1) SIGN YOUR POSTS. Since 1997, we have asked users to sign their real name, first and last, to all posts in the PMDG forum. We do this in order to keep conversations personal and familiar. You took the time to be here, we want to get to know you. This is one of the few rigid rules that we enforce regularly. We do so because we feel that forums in which users must engage one another personally are generally warmer, more collegial and friendly. Posts that are unsigned will be quietly removed without comment by the moderators, so to make your life easy- we recommend enabling your forum signature so that you never need to remember. Do this by clicking the username pull-down at the top right, then selecting "User Settings." You will find the signature editor on the ACCOUNT tab, about half way down the page. Look for "Edit Post Signature." Be sure to click the "Show Signatures" box.

2) BE NICE. We are all simmers here and no matter our differences of opinion, we share a common love of aviation, computing and simulation. Treat everyone else in the forum with respect even when you disagree. If someone frustrates you, walk away from the conversation or ask for a moderator to get involved. Speaking of Moderators, they prefer not to be treated as "The Thought Police" but if any behavior infringes on the enjoyment of another user or is otherwise considered to be unacceptable in the moderator's judgment, it will be addressed in keeping with our view of ensuring that this forum remains a healthy environment for all simmers.

3) BE LAWFUL: Any behavior that infringes upon the law, such as discussion or solicitation of piracy, threats, intimidation or abuse will be handled unsympathetically by the moderators. Threats and intimidation may, at the moderator's discretion, be provided to law enforcement for handling.

4) BE FACTUAL: When you post, always be factual. Moderators will remove posts that are determined not to be factually accurate.

5) RESPECT COPYRIGHTS: Posting of copyrighted material such as flight manuals owned by Boeing or various airlines is not allowed in this forum. If you have questions related to copyrighted material, please contact a forum moderator for clarification.

6) RESPECT PMDG: We love to hear what you like about our products. We also like to hear what you think can be improved, or what isn't working. Please do tell us and we will always treat your feedback with value. Just be sure to treat the team respectfully, as they do put a significant amount of effort into building and maintaining these great simulation products for you.

7) RESPECT PMDG DEVELOPERS: All of the developers will spend some time here. Given the ratio of developers-to-users, it simply isn't possible for us to answer every post and private message individually. Please know that we do try to read everything, but developer workload is simply too high to manage personal contact with tens-of-thousands of users simultaneously. In most cases, members of the development team will stick to conversations in the forum and will not answer private messages.

8) RESPECT OTHER DEVELOPERS: PMDG has always advocated for a strong development community and we have many friends within this community. Every developer offers something unique that helps to make the simming community larger and more vibrant. We insist that you treat our friends respectfully.

9) RESPECT MODERATORS: Moderators have a tough job, and none of them enjoy having to stomp out negativity. If a moderator has to weigh in to keep a thread peaceful, please respect that effort and refrain from giving the moderator any grief.

10) If you require official support for any of our products please open a support ticket through the support portal, https://support.precisionmanuals.com

11) This forum is designed primarily as a vehicle for the PMDG development team to interact with our customers, and for customers to interact with one another in a manner that is positive, supportive and assists in the general advancement of understanding the simulation and helping to make this and future simulations better. Any other use of this forum is not permitted, including but not limited to discussion of pricing policies, business practices, forum moderating policies, advertising of non-PMDG products, promotion of events, services or products that are not approved in advance by PMDG or any other topic deemed unacceptable by any forum administrator


Down The Drain: Breweries in Portland dump unsold beer

NBC News Channel

(KGW/NBC News) Portland, Oregon is well-known for its beer, and sadly much of it is going to waste now that many beer drinkers are staying at home due to COVID-19 restrictions.

The PPV, Inc. wastewater treatment facility in Northwest Portland is one of the places where some of it is going.

Company vice president Adam Borgens said it all started last week with some unusual requests.

"At first you read it and it's like it, this a joke," he said.

But it was no joke. There were two requests to treat not just kegs worth of beer at the treatment facility, but tanker truck loads.

"We've probably had 15,000-20,000 gallons of beer in the facility to be treated," Borgens said. "I wish we could have just taken it to a park and let everybody have a little fun… but unfortunately it came here for treatment, so we make sure everything is handled safely."

The beer had passed it freshness date, so getting rid of it was really the only option.


7 Things No One Tells You About Going Paleo

I&rsquod had a severe case of the blahs for a few months. My insomnia was getting worse, every month I got a pimple in the same spot smack-dab in the middle of my left cheek, and those last five pounds I wanted to lose had slowly turned into those last 10 pounds I wanted to lose. Overall, I felt gross, and I needed to do something drastic to break out of my slump. But what?

In search of inspiration, I turned to the source of all my recent life decisions: Pinterest. I scrolled past the myriad &ldquoways to be a thrifty country bride&rdquo pins and found a link to a 30-day Paleo challenge.

I&rsquod heard that Paleo meant eating like a T-Rex or something, but that was the extent of my knowledge. The blog included recipes and exercise videos, though, and seemed fairly easy to follow. I knew that I would slack if I tried to do the challenge on my own&mdashbecause TV and snacks&mdashso I asked my friend/boss Anne if she would like to try it with me (how could I possibly cheat on my diet if I had to check in every day with the person responsible for my paychecks?). She did, but she suggested that we turn things up a notch by going Paleo for Lent, the solemn 40-day period before Easter when many Christians make sacrifices, often food-based ones in the form of fasting&mdashyou know, when your normally burger-loving Catholic friends eat fast-food fish sandwiches on Fridays because they gave up red meat.

Though there are many approaches to going Paleo (often called the caveman diet) and not all experts agree on the same guidelines, typically it means cutting out some carbohydrates and all refined sugars, grains, legumes, and dairy, as well as meats containing added hormones and antibiotics and processed foods containing preservatives. Instead, you chow down on the nutrient-dense foods our primitive ancestors would have hunted and gathered back in the day. While it may sound fairly straightforward, there are a few things I wish I had known before I started the journey.

1. Lots of Meals and Snacks You Used to Think of as Healthy Are Off-Limits
I used to regularly eat peanut butter and jelly on whole-wheat bread as a quick, nutritious breakfast. After I started Paleo, though, every part of that sandwich was verboten&mdashyes, even the peanut butter since peanuts are technically legumes. Soy (also a legume!) was out, too, so I had to forget about stopping for a coffee in the morning and patting myself on the back for requesting soymilk instead of regular (not to mention that coffee minus sugar equals a thumbs-down emoji for me). And I definitely couldn&rsquot have edamame appetizers at my favorite sushi place&mdashas a matter of fact, I had to skip sushi altogether because eating only sashimi with no soy sauce seemed kind of sad (rice is banned). No more corn (a starchy grain) meant no more tortilla chips&mdashwhich, okay, I shouldn&rsquot have been surprised about, but it&rsquos my favorite food, and I had told myself certain lies about their healthiness. I decided that if I had to go through life without chips, I&rsquod at least need a drink, so I kept wine on my menu (in moderation, of course).

2. You Might Feel Sick at the Beginning
By my third day of eating Paleo, I had a headache that would not go away. I felt super nauseated, and I didn&rsquot want to eat or drink anything.

&ldquoWhenever you drastically change your diet, your body&rsquos going to react," says Alexandra Caspero, R.D., a dietitian in Sacramento. "Your body has to get used to a new way of eating.&rdquo Anne, who had previously completed the Whole30 program, told me that because I&rsquod abruptly slashed my intake of carbohydrates, I probably had "the low-carb flu." Kristin Kirkpatrick, R.D., manager of wellness nutrition services at the Cleveland Clinic Wellness Institute, says a lack of the good-for-you glucose that carbs provide can cause nausea and headaches. &ldquoIt&rsquos a little bit of a shock to the system because you&rsquore taking away the fuel that you&rsquore used to,&rdquo she says. Caspero adds that people can feel similar withdrawal-type symptoms after cutting back on caffeine or refined sugar in general. I had to snap out of my no-carb-zone mentality to get my swagger back. Then, in walked the sweet potato.

3. Sweet Potatoes Will Become Your BFFL
Like many people, I had been led to believe that all carbs were evil. So when I decided to cut them from my diet, I showed no mercy. Fact is, humans actually need carbs for energy. &ldquoAll carbohydrates are converted into sugar in the body,&rdquo says Kirkpatrick. &ldquoYou need that fuel, but you want to get it from the right sources.&rdquo The difference between the carbs you should be filling up on and the ones you should minimize your intake of is that the former contain fiber, which aides in their digestion, keeps your insulin from spiking, and helps you feel full. An unpeeled apple, for example, is a carb filled with soluble fiber, says Kirkpatrick, while a treat like ice cream is a carb, yes, but one that's lacking in the fiber department. &ldquoThe less carbohydrates have been processed, the better,&rdquo says Caspero, adding that fruits and vegetables are healthful carbs, while we should nix &ldquoconcentrated sources of sweetness,&rdquo like soda, cookies, and cake. In my opinion, the yummiest "good carb" by far is the sweet potato&mdasheven Oprah loves them.

So to get over my &ldquoflu,&rdquo I tried out a bunch of delicious sweet potato recipes and gradually realized I&rsquod been wasting my time dating rice and pasta when I could have settled down with sweet potatoes years ago. If this root vegetable just isn&rsquot your jam, maybe you can get all turnt over butternut squash or something. But finding a go-to carb filled with fiber will make Paleo a lot easier on you (and your poor stomach!).

4. You Might Have to Stop Tracking Calories
I&rsquove been tracking my calories on My Fitness Pal on and off for about two years. When I started to do Paleo, I logged back on as an additional way to keep an eye on my nutrition. Once I really got the hang of the diet, my meals became more filling and more satisfying. A lunch of half an avocado cut up and wrapped in slices of nitrate-free roasted turkey breast kept me full hours longer than my typical leftover-pasta lunches ever did. As a result, I didn&rsquot need to eat as much or as often to get through the day. There were a few times when My Fitness Pal warned me that I wasn't consuming enough calories.

The thing is, I felt great, not hungry. Kirkpatrick speculates that this lack of hunger was probably a symptom of ketosis, when the body burns fat for energy instead of carbs. And Caspero explains, &ldquoThe benefit of eating less-processed, nutrient-dense foods is that the calories in them aren&rsquot going to be that high.&rdquo (Side note: MFP also regularly warned me that I was eating way too much fat, but Paleo&rsquos increased protein consumption often comes with a side of fat. Besides, &ldquofat is not the enemy,&rdquo says Caspero.) It made me rethink our national obsession with counting calories over what exactly we&rsquore putting in our mouths. &ldquoIt&rsquos more important to get quality calories than to focus on one specific number,&rdquo says Kirkpatrick.

5. It&rsquos Super Time-Consuming
Most people go into Paleo well aware that their grocery bills will jump at least a little bit since organic fruits and vegetables and grass-fed, antibiotic-free meats typically cost more. But I wish I had known that Paleo would take up so much of my time. This lifestyle is not for those addicted to grab-and-go foods. Since takeout is usually not an option for people strictly sticking to the plan (even if you find a restaurant that claims to use only organic ingredients, you can&rsquot be sure they cook everything in Paleo-friendly oils, like olive oil), there&rsquos a lot of meal prep involved, especially for dinner. Not gonna lie: I wasn&rsquot always excited to start roasting a chicken after a long day of work.

On my darkest days, I wondered if the staff at my favorite Chinese carryout place were worried by my disappearance. (If you&rsquore reading this, Jade Garden guys, I&rsquom okay&mdashpromise.) Along those lines.

6. You&rsquoll Start Eating Before You Meet Friends for Dinner
March Madness was in full swing right in the thick of my Paleo journey, and my team was (briefly) in the mix. Group game watches at a local bar required me to pretend to be unfazed as pulled pork sandwiches, fried pickles, and beer after delicious-smelling beer crossed the table.

But I didn&rsquot just struggle at game watches. As I mentioned above, it&rsquos hard to vet a Paleo-friendly restaurant. So not wanting to be That Girl, I always went along with whatever place my dinner companions wanted, then tried to pick something from the general menu. More than once, I forgot before ordering that most restaurants drown their house salad in cheese, even if cheese isn&rsquot mentioned on the menu. More than once, I endured a bland burger suffering from a serious lack of oomph without ketchup and a bun. One (not the brightest) waitress even told me she could not &ldquoaccommodate&rdquo my request for a lettuce &ldquobun&rdquo&hellipdespite the fact that I had also ordered a side salad, so they clearly had lettuce in the kitchen. To avoid disappointment, I&rsquod often eat before meeting friends and then act like I was fine nursing just a glass of white wine as they stuffed their stupid, annoying faces. (If any of my friends out there are reading this, I'm of course just kidding. Kind of).

7. You Won&rsquot Be Able to Shut Up About It
I&rsquod love to tell you that the entire time I was on my cavewoman journey, I was bright-eyed and enthusiastic. I&rsquod love to tell you that, more in tune with nature, I did yoga on some sun-soaked rooftop every morning and handed strangers daisies on the street. But there were times when I was downright crankypants. I vividly remember texting Anne that I was so beyond over it when the Paleo chocolate cake I whipped up from a recipe I found on Pinterest turned out to be an insult to both chocolate and cake. At first, I would vent to anyone who would listen about how difficult my new eating plan was. But as I started feeling better physically, I couldn&rsquot stop singing Paleo&rsquos praises. Even with the annoying parts, Paleo is still the best decision I&rsquove made in a long time. I&rsquod fall asleep within five minutes of my head hitting the pillow, that pesky pimple stayed gone, and I dropped six pounds. I no longer felt sluggish the way I did when most of my meals included processed carbs, dairy, or packaged foods. And I wanted my friends to know, too&mdashwhether they asked or not. Most said they were worried Paleo was too restrictive and boring to try themselves. &ldquoI could never live without cheese&rdquo is something I heard over and over. It was nice to help dispel some of the myths. For example, I love cheese, too, but it wasn&rsquot making me feel good at all, so I broke up with it&mdashand it really wasn&rsquot even that hard.

Now that Lent is over, I&rsquove decided to eat Paleo at least 75 percent of the time. It would be awesome to still be hardcore about it, but it&rsquos too difficult to maintain in social situations, and I am (#humblebrag) quite the social butterfly. Plus, I have to believe that our ancestors would have washed down their brontosaurus steaks with beer if they could have, so I&rsquom totally honoring their memory by hoisting a few on their behalf now.



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